I don’t know her

I had a tough week. Upon returning home from Miami Monday night for Art Basel, I was on 10 – very high off life, ready to get shit in motion, ready to deeply manifest, and kick shit into overdrive. The luxury of being away from home…in another city, state, country, shit…sometimes even your own town and staycating. Whatever it is, it’s a time of deep relaxation and hopefully peace.

My time in Miami forced me into a state of deep visualization. People might say, “bitch it was only Miami,” but bitch it does not matter. It was exactly what I needed and when I needed it. It forced me to think how I could do a better job at improving my life through actions and habits to live the life I ultimately want to live. It was that slap in the face reminder that I have the power to create the life that I want – the life I’ll never have to vacate from. The life where I feel as though God and I set the whole thing up as a unit. In short, it was an intense burst of energy.

This energy fueled me and I felt as though I was ready to take on the world. The vivid images I created in my head of what I truly wanted my life to look like and the steps I would need to take to get there both excited and frightened me. This was literally me on the plane:

doing the entire most, per usual

And this was me to me in the mirror on how we gon get this shit done now that niggas touched back down at home with ENTIRELY too many “Ight, so boom’s”.

I wrote down the list of things I wanted to do AGAIN but this time in greater depth and it wasn’t long until overload appeared. It wasn’t long until I had burnout. It wasn’t long until I realized shit really is not the way I want it to be, and it wasn’t long until I realized my faith in God was diminishing day by day as I racked my brain trying to figure out how to make shit move the way EYE saw fit.

About midweek, there was such a change in me. In my spirit. In my raw energy. In my love for others and in the way I expressed love and gratitude. I’m regularly over the top with it because that’s generally how I be feeling everyday – overwhelmed with love, joy, and appreciation, but this week I was down. This week I was so focused on self and what I can do to make MY life better for MYSELF and while you should be doing this, there should be a balance. Sometimes we allow our trying to get in the way of our faith. Doesn’t mean you don’t try or don’t try hard, but it means have an understanding of what you’re in control of and what you’re not. Understand that your main role is to be gracious, kind, generous, and appreciative. God literally handles the rest.

We also often struggle to live in the now and fail to acknowledge how far we’ve come in our journey thus far. Our scope is often dead set on how far we have to go as opposed to how far we’ve come. We try our hardest to live in 2025, not even futuristically, just frantic as hell, all while allowing our present to pass us by. We work and work and work and may get upset with ourselves AND God for not delivering when we expect to receive a blessing but fail to understand we have not received said blessing yet because we are not ready for it. God doesn’t move on our command, God moves when we’re ready. Take it easy. Allow your spirit to move you, not flesh. Not expectations. Not your peers. Fuck all that. It holds no weight. The breakthrough is coming. My breakthrough is coming. Your breakthrough is coming. Be patient, keep working, and be grateful for where you are. Your journey will never look like anyone else’s.

Both of these realizations hit me like a fucking brick. It’s what we already know but forget because we allow our minds to play tricks on us.

Because of this, I didn’t know myself this week. She was so familiar yet so unfamiliar. She was who I was prior to having love and God in my heart. It was terrifying to be honest. To think you’ve been “fully transformed” and “healed” and have that harsh yet loving reminder that you aren’t all the way there yet, that you’re still human, still evolving and that it’s okay.

I understand that my purpose is to bring joy to others – through love, appreciation, devotion, praise, hugs, kisses, a “biiiitchhhhh you look fuckin good” or any of the like. This is what fuels me and I’m glad I had today to reflect on such.

The message at my church today was so powerful and it’s honestly what brought about these various realizations. The message was to understand that we must be distributors of love, joy, gratitude, peace, generosity, literally all good shit. WE as people are the fulfillment centers to an extraordinary life, and you must distribute all of the goodness God grants to you, to others. When you live in that space, your world transforms. This is where REAL peace is born, bred, and manifested. When you understand that your role is to be a blessing to other people and you begin to move in that way off love and GP, your own blessings multiply. It doesn’t have to be anything wild, it could be as simple as a smile or a “hello” to a stranger. In short, be generous. Be gracious. Whatever you think generosity is, maximize it x10.

Lastly, continue to have grace with yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself as you’re actively elevating. It’s hard. I had to remind myself of this today. I didn’t recognize myself this week, but now I have a better understanding of my layers. To lessen the sting, I mentally framed it as a “girl who can do both” LMAO.

Understand that you’re growing everyday and evolving by the second. Everyday won’t be what you perceive your best day to be, but you sure as hell can try.

oo

2 thoughts on “I don’t know her”

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